Never trust a guide in Lombok

About a month ago Max and I went to Lombok for a week of relaxation and fun on the beach. As luck would have it Max caught the evil flu I was still nursing and was sniffling and coughing the whole week but we still managed to have a good time most of which spent reading, Max - Tony Blair's bio (booooring!!!!!!!) and Erica - Risk Management in the Finance sector - or the art of bending the rules, precipitate the world into chaos and still look innocent - (as I see it).
One day we shook ourselves out of our illness induced torpor and set out to explore the countryside along with a very friendly guide by the name of Amin recommended by the hotel. He was very eager to take us around and show us the beautiful sights and sounds.....(and smells) of Lombok so we hopped into his immaculate Mercedes and off we went. Lombok is a junior Bali, less chaotic and congested but it is getting there especially now that the new International Airport has just opened (one hour and a half away from where the resorts are, making one wonder who thought it out this way). I will not waste time talking about the disastrous experience at the airport that, by the way, caused a livid complaint letter to go out and.....resulted in an apology from the Ministry of Tourism.......I still have it guys!!!
Anyhow......emerald green rice fields, a 5 religion temple (the only one of its kind....thankfully) where everybody could get together and pray any god they liked, sacrifice goats, toss flowers and the likes, old women hand weaving silk sarongs and spices, rice and nuts drying out in the sun...these were the beauties our guide showed us. At one point after a very nice man offered us different varieties of peanuts to sample I asked Amin a simple yet...as it would later turn out....deadly question: "do you grow cashews and macadamia by any chance?".
"yes Madame, we grow, you like nuts? I show you market, yes?" Now how can you say no to such enthusiasm?! So off we went to the market walking amongst cascades of garlic, chillies, mounds of golden turmeric and bronze cumin. And then bouncing like an overgrown puppy Amin shows me a basket full of what looked like macadamia which, by the way, are my favorite. I ask for confirmation and the still bouncing human Tigger nods his head in ecstasy for making Madame happy. Eager beaver here buys half a kilo and starts munching away happily, ready to shoot any looters. In all fairness the nuts did not really taste like macadamia but they were still good and I thought it was down to variety just like the peanuts we had tried.
By this time it's past lunch time and we drive back to our hotel. Barely out of the car I notice a tight feeling in my tummy and feel noxious. I tell Max I need to sit and relax a moment (Lombok driving....not really smooth anyhow). After 5 minutes shooting pain goes through my stomach and I double up holding on to the chair wondering what is happening. I manage to move back to our room, get to bed, curl up like a baby and wail like one as well while my insides are ripping me apart. Half an hour of this and I start to feel slightly better though the pain has now moved to my lower abdomen. At this point I am worried and take my bag of macadamia to the chef just to make sure. " Madame, you buy candle nuts yes?". Ahem, actually I was told these are macadamia. "We call candle nuts, you call macadamia madame, happy?" Well actually no! So I crawl back to the room and scour the internet. Well, candle nuts ARE NOT macadamia, actually they are toxic and known for their laxative properties though definitive studies on humans have not been done.........what?! I barely finish reading this horrible news that I feel a sudden urge. Well I will not bore my readers with what happened for the following two hours but it was not pretty and by the end of the day I had lost at least two kilos, looked gaunt, crazy eyed and suicidal.
Moral of the story....never, ever trust an eager guide, however I can now say with all certainty that a definitive study on the laxative properties of candle nuts is now concluded. This is my contribution to science for which I am sure I deserve a Nobel for sheer stupidity.